By: Russ Pitts
and
Tom Merritt
Revised by:
Russ Pitts, October, 2002
Copyright 2002 by the Authors
fletcher1138@gmail.com
The Time: Spring, 1954
The Place: The Town of
The Characters:
NARRATOR, someone with a really strong voice. Like Charlton Heston.
JENNY GOODWIN, a young, all-American girl next door. Smart, well-endowed and a bit vapid.
JOHNNY CARTWRIGHT, the most popular boy at Oceanview High. Captain of the football team. Bright, attractive and athletic.
PROFESSOR JACK LANGFORD, an alcoholic rocket scientist, with an unusual magnetism.
MRS. DOLORES GOODWIN, Jenny’s mother. A typical American housewife. Authoritative, competent, and unaware.
POLICE CHIEF CARTWRIGHT, Johnny’s father. A down to earth, man’s man. Proud of being a policeman, although he rarely has any occasion to solve crimes.
REVEREND ISAIAH MATTHEW SMALL, small town preacher, who pays special attention to the younger people of his community. Charismatic and perhaps insane.
FARMER BOB, crotchety old hermit, who lives just outside of town, with his wife and his only son. The reason most people think farmers are nuts.
ROBBY BLANDFORD, A bookish, shy young man.
TEEN GIRL
TEEN BOY
DEPUTY RAWLINGS, whip-thin young man, with a bright future in law enforcement.
CAPTAIN CHRISTOPHER PARKS, National war Hero. Ambassador to Nebulon 12.
GROUP OF TEENAGERS
PEOPLE OF OCEANVIEW / MINDLESS ALIEN HOSTS
METEORITES
Prelude
Cue Theme music.
Spotlight Up Center Stage.
Enter SCIENTISTS, SR, cross to Center Stage. SCIENTISTS are holding clipboards and pointing up at the sky.
NARRATOR
(VO)
The year is Nineteen Fifty-Four and America’s top scientists have discovered radio wave transmissions from the Star System Nebulon. The scientists have disclosed their opinion that these radio waves were not naturally occurring, and in fact could only have been produced by a race of Sentient Humanoids. Thus conclusively proving once and for all, that intelligent life does exist in Outer Space.
Exit SCIENTISTS, SL.
Enter CAPTAIN PARKS, SR, cross to Center Stage. CAPTAIN PARKS is dressed in military uniform, and holding a steering wheel.
NARRATOR (CONT’D)
Congress passes a bill calling for the construction of an Outer Space Expedition Craft, and appoints National War Hero, Captain Christopher Parks to fly America’s first diplomatic mission to Another World!
CAPTAIN PARKS pantomimes flying his craft, steering his wheel left and right.
NARRATOR (CONT’D)
Captain Parks, traveling at the speed of light, arrives at the Nebulon star system, and attempts to land on the Nebulonians’ home world, Nebulon 12.
CAPTAIN PARKS begins to have trouble controlling his craft. The wheel in his hands shakes, and he moves side-to-side, as if his ship were being buffeted by strange forces from another world.
NARRATOR (CONT’D)
However, due to strange gravitational forces on the planet, Captain Parks’ Outer Space Expedition Craft suffers severe instrument failure and crash-lands on the alien world, killing several thousand innocent Nebulonians!
CAPTAIN PARKS trembles violently, then walks in circles, holding the steering wheel in front of him, and spirals down to the ground.
Lights flare as CAPTAIN PARKS hits the ground.
Spotlight Out.
NARRATOR (CONT’D)
The suspicious and war loving Nebulonians, interpret this tragedy as a calculated attack.
Lights Up 1/3.
Enter METEORITES, SL and PEOPLE OF OCEANVIEW, SR.
Cue Meteorite Sound.
The METEORITES are 12″, round balls of foil, with a string attached, held aloft by a man in blacks. The METEORITES sail slowly across the stage from R to L, towards THE PEOPLE OF OCEANVIEW. PEOPLE OF OCEANVIEW raise their hands in front of their faces, pantomiming postures of terror.
NARRATOR (CONT’D)
Dozens of small meteorites, carrying the Nebulonians’ Secret Weapon of Doom, are at this very minute, hurtling through space, heading straight for … the Planet … Earth!”
Blackout.
Scene 1
Setting: Shady Lane
Time: Nine p.m.
Fade in Pop Music, as from the Chicken of the Sea Dance. “Shake, Rattle and Roll” by Bill Haley and his Comets is a perfect fit.
Lights up slow.
Enter JENNY GOODWIN and ROBBY BLANDFORD, SR, on their way home from the Chicken of the Sea Dance at Oceanview High. Jenny is a lovely young girl with a sparkle in her eye, dressed in her finest dance apparel, and Robby is a dopey, slack-jawed nerd, wearing a tuxedo from Chuck’s rentals. Both appear slightly nervous. As the scene opens, Jenny and Robby approach the section of white, picket fence that belongs to Jenny’s father, Mr. Goodwin, as denoted by the small sign hung on the fence.
JENNY
Well. This is it. I had a nice time at the Chicken of the Sea Dance with you, Robby.
Fade Out Pop Music.
ROBBY
I had a nice time too. I’ve never been to a real dance before. This one had punch and everything. I bet Johnny Cartwright was sore that you went with me instead of him.
JENNY
Johnny Cartwright doesn’t ooowwwwn me. Besides, you’re a sweet one Robby Blandford. I’d be happy to go out with you any day of the week.
JENNY Moves closer to ROBBY.
ROBBY
Gosh. You mean that?
JENNY
Of course I do. Johnny’s so … I don’t know … pushy. Just because his father is the police chief, and he dresses real smart, smells real nice, and drives around in that convertible all the time and has a beautiful smile, he thinks all the girls want to go to Lookout Point with him, but that doesn’t mean anything to me. In fact, I kind of think you’re cute … Robby.
ROBBY
You do?
JENNY
Uh huh.
ROBBY
You mean you didn’t agree to go to the Chicken of the Sea Dance with me just to make Johnny Cartwright jealous?
JENNY
Don’t put words in my mouth, Robby Blandford.
JENNY Moves away from ROBBY.
ROBBY
Uh, Sorry, Jenny. I should have known better than to think I’d have a real chance with a swell girl like you.
JENNY
Yeah, I guess you should have. But I still think you’re cute, Robby.
ROBBY
You do?
JENNY
Uh huh.
ROBBY
Well, thanks.
JENNY is hip-to-hip with ROBBY now, and stroking his arm, making him very, very nervous. ROBBY has never been this close to a real girl before. Or a fake one for that matter.
ROBBY (CONT’D)
Uh. I g-guess I’d better be getting home.
JENNY
Robby?
ROBBY
Uh-huh?
JENNY
(Quietly.)
Do you want to kiss me good night?
ROBBY
Uh-huh.
JENNY
Then go for it big boy. Johnny will be here any minute, and I want him to see it!
JENNY closes her eyes, and leans forward to receive her kiss. ROBBY closes his eyes, and begins inching forward to give it to her.
Cue Meteorite Sound.
Enter METEORITE SL.
The METEORITE crashes right into ROBBY’S head. ROBBY falls to the ground, slightly dazed. JENNY is startled. Dogs bark.
Exit METEORITE, SR.
JENNY (CONT’D)
Robby? Robby are you all right? Robby?
Cue Dramatic Music.
ROBBY rises to his feet, but he looks different. His eyes are glazed, and he has a vacant expression on his face. He sees JENNY and begins stumbling toward her menacingly, but he can’t quite get his legs to work properly. As a result his moves are tediously slow and clumsy.
JENNY (CONT’D)
Robby? Robby, what are you doing? No! Get away from me!
(She screams.)
ROBBY, or rather, the new ROBBY tries to put his arms around JENNY to give her a kiss. JENNY is repulsed, but luckily the new ROBBY misses by a mile and stumbles to the ground.
JENNY (CONT’D)
Help! Somebody help!
The sound of a convertible is heard pulling up, and JOHNNY CARTWRIGHT makes a dashing entrance.
Enter JOHHNY, SL.
JOHNNY is a tall, blonde young athlete wearing a letter sweater and a beautiful smile. ROBBY backs off as if stunned but still threatening to come near once his small zombie-like mind finishes computing this new turn of events.
JOHNNY
Jenny! Are you all right? I heard you screaming! What’s going on?
JENNY
Oh Johnny! Help me! Something came out of the sky and hit Robby in the head. Now he’s acting like a perfect beast!
Dramatic Music Fade Out.
JOHNNY steps between JENNY and ROBBY.
JOHNNY
Has he touched you?
JENNY
Why, Johnny Cartwright! Are you jealous?
JOHNNY
No. I mean since the thing hit him. Has he touched you since he changed?
JENNY
Well, no. I wouldn’t have minded before, but now he’s all gross.
JOHNNY
Good. This has been happening all over town. People are getting hit on the head by meteorites.
JENNY
Meteortites? Isn’t that what Professor Langford was going on about on the courthouse lawn the other day?
JOHNNY
Yes, and we all thought he was just a drunken fool. But it looks like these meteorites are turning everyone into mindless alien hosts!
JENNY
Gasp! How many people have been hit?
JOHNNY
Dozens! And if they touch you, you become one of them!
ROBBY, finally gaining some comprehension makes a first effort at what might be considered the beginning of a lunge toward JENNY.
JENNY
Don’t let him touch me, Johnny!
JOHNNY
Don’t worry, Jenny. I won’t let anyone touch you. Except me. Come on!
JOHNNY crosses JENNY, heading OL and grabs her left hand.
JENNY
Where are we going?
JOHNNY
My father’s down at the Police Station. We have to tell him what’s happening. He’ll know what to do!
JENNY
Let’s hurry!
During this last line ROBBY finally comes to the decision that a lunge towards JENNY’S brain is exactly the thing called for in this situation and proceeds to make a good unhesitating lunge but not before JOHNNY can pull her away.
Exit JENNY and JOHNNY, SL.
The sound of a convertible is heard pulling away, as ROBBY stumbles around blindly, eventually falling down again.
Lights Fade.
Interlude
The following is performed as the Shady Lane set is struck, and the stage is set for Scene Two.
Short Theme Music Up.
Lights up 1/3.
Enter PEOPLE OF OCEANVIEW / MINDLESS ALIEN HOSTS, followed by MEOEORITES, SL.
THE PEOPLE OF OCEANVIEW are chased from L to R by METEORITES, and then the group of people breaks apart. PEOPLE OF OCEANVIEW run madly around on stage, and are on-by-one hit by meteorites, whereupon they become MINDLESS ALIEN HOSTS. The fledgling MINDLESS ALIEN HOSTS begin stumbling around on stage, learning how to behave like mindless alien hosts, etc., and when all are transformed, exit, SR.
Short Theme Music Fade Out.
Lights Fade Out.
Scene 2
Setting: Oceanview Police Station
Time: Nine Fifteen p.m.
There is a standard, bland metal desk DR, with a chair for seating and interrogating suspects to the L of it. POLICE CHIEF CARTWRIGHT is sitting alone at the desk, with his feet up, polishing his revolver. The desk contains a Rolodex, a telephone and perhaps some police-type stuff. Like a coffee cup, or what have you. There is another, almost identical desk directly U from the chief’s. On the SL side of the stage are two or three chairs facing a podium UL. The entrance is UC. Conveniently, the designers of the Oceanview Police Station left plenty of space in the center of the room to serve as a large playing area.
The sound of a convertible is heard screeching to a stop outside.
Lights up full.
Enter JENNY and JOHNNY, UC. They burst into the station, stopping C just U from the Chief’s desk.
CHIEF
Whoa there, kids! Slow down, now. You know we have a speed limit in this Police Station. Ha. Ha.
JENNY
It’s awful! Robby Blandford— Meteorites!
johnny
People everywhere Mindless alien hosts!
jenny and johnny
You have to do something!
CHIEF
Now, one at a time kids! Johnny,
(He points his revolver at JOHNNY.)
What’s going on?
JOHNNY
Pop, it’s awful! People everywhere are being turned into …
CHIEF
Sit in the chair son.
(Indicating the suspect chair L of his desk, with the revolver.)
JOHNNY
Sorry dad.
JOHNNY sits in the chair.
CHIEF
Now then. From the beginning.
JOHNNY
Pop, it’s awful! People everywhere are being turned into mindless alien hosts! You have to do something!
CHIEF
Now calm down, son. I’ve been getting calls all night about falling rocks and mindless alien hosts walking the streets of Oceanview. Why, it sounds as if they’re all as sauced as Jack Langford. There hasn’t been this much excitement since the Widow Johnson made a naughty cake for the VFW Hoedown.
JENNY
Chief Cartwright …
JOHNNY
Hold on Jenny!
JOHNNY rises from the chair, and sits JENNY in it. CHIEF nods approvingly.
JENNY
Robby Blandford was hit in the head by one of those meteorites and he turned into a mindless alien host right before my very eyes!
CHIEF
Wasn’t he your date to the Dance, Jenny?
JENNY
Yes.
JOHNNY strolls L, combing his hair.
CHIEF
But you and Johnny have been going steady for four years, sweetheart. Why on Earth would you go to the dance with that Blandford kid instead of my Johnny?
JENNY
Well, I don’t know … I mean I guess, I kinda thought that Johnny was sorta making eyes at another girl and I figured that if I went to the dance with Robby, it would, sorta, you know make Johnny jealous, and anyway it doesn’t matter now does it?.
CHIEF rises, crossing behind JENNY and fondling her neck and shoulders as he stands directly behind her, with his hands on her neck, rocking almost imperceptibly back and forth.
CHIEF
Now, Jenny, that’s just the kind of twisted thinking that leads nice little girls like you astray. Johnny is a man, sweetheart. He’s supposed to make eyes at other girls. That’s what men do. Trust me. As a policeman, I should know.
CHIEF moves to stand just above JENNY’s Left shoulder, and kneels beside her, looking her straight in the eye, as if he were a father talking to his daughter-in-law-to-be.
CHIEF (CONT’D)
But just because he makes eyes at other girls, and drives them up to lookout point in his convertible, that doesn’t mean he wants to go steady with them and not you. (As he touches her on the chin with his finger.)
JENNY
Gosh. I never thought of it that way. Is that true, Chief Cartwright?
CHIEF
Why don’t you ask Johnny?
CHIEF rises and points her in the direction of JOHNNY, who is standing just L of UC looking nonchalan and very, very cool.
JENNY rises and crosses to JOHNNY.
JENNY
Johnny? Is it true? Those other girls you make eyes with and drive out to lookout point really late at night and don’t come home till morning don’t mean anything to you? That it’s just because you’re a man and can’t help yourself but really in the end I’m the one you’re heart truly desires and you’ll always want to go steady with me?
JOHNNY
Sure.
JENNY
Oh, Johnny! I’m sorry I ever doubted you! I’m sorry I went to the Dance with Robby Blandford just to make you jealous! You can make eyes at any girl and take them up to lookout point as often as you want, just as long as you still love me!
JOHNNY
Of course I still love you! I could take a thousand girls up to lookout point, but you’re the girl I’ll always come home to!
JENNY and JOHNNY embrace.
CHIEF puts his arms around JENNY’s shoulders and steers her downstage, punctuating his following sentences by poking her tenderly in the chest.
CHIEF
Now Jenny, you realize that what happened to Robby Blandford was entirely your fault. If you hadn’t gone to the dance with him, instead of Johnny, he wouldn’t have been standing in front of your house when that meteorite came crashing from the sky, and he wouldn’t have been turned into a mindless alien host. This is what happens to young people who don’t act properly!
JENNY
My goodness! I guess you’re right! Oh it’s all my fault! Poor Robby Blandford! What are we going to do?
CHIEF pats JENNY on the ass and sits her down in a chair facing the podium.
CHIEF
Now, you’re not going to do anything, sweetheart. It’s your meddling that’s made this whole thing worse. It’s time for the men to step in and put things to rights.
JOHNNY
He’s right, Jenny. What do we do now, Pop?
CHIEF crosses R to his desk, JOHNNY follows.
CHIEF sits behind his desk.
CHIEF
Now we do what policemen all over the world do, when trouble looms on the horizon …
(Pause as he stretches and puts his feet up.)
Ah! We wait. I sent Deputy Rawlings over to Main Street almost half an hour ago to check out a report of ‘numerous mindless alien hosts wandering around Downtown.’ He should be back sometime tonight.
JENNY
Downtown! But that’s where my folks were this evening!
JOHNNY
That’s where almost everyone in Oceanview was this evening, Jenny.
CHIEF
That’s right, Johnny. The Annual Quilt Raffle is the biggest event of the year. Excepting the Easter Parade, but that’s tomorrow. With the kids at the big dance, and their parents at the Raffle, I was hoping to enjoy a quiet night at the station, playing pinochle with Deputy Rawlings. But I guess it wasn’t meant to be.
The sound of a patrol car pulling to a stop is heard outside, followed by a large crash.
CHIEF (CONT’D)
That must be him now.
Enter DEPUTY RAWLINGS, UC, looking a bit mindless.
CHIEF (CONT’D)
Rawlings, what’s happening downtown? Was it Farmer Bob’s boy scaring the old ladies with his puppets again?
DEPUTY RAWLINGS lunges mindlessly forward.
Cue Dramatic Music.
JENNY screams.
JOHNNY
Pop, look out!
CHIEF
Jumpin’ Jupiter! Johnny, get down!
CHIEF CARTWRIGHT pulls out his revolver and jumps up onto his desk. JOHNNY grabs the suspect chair to use as a shield and crouches down. JENNY sits in her chair screaming. CHIEF fires all twelve rounds from his revolver into DEPUTY RAWLINGS, the mindless alien host. The sound of the gunshots are slightly out of sync with the action on stage. RAWLINGS falls dead after, but not before, the twelfth shot. JOHNNY, not putting down his chair, rushes L to JENNY’s side. JENNY leaps up and pours herself onto JOHNNY, desperately seeking comfort.
Dramatic Music Fade Out.
JOHNNY
Is he dead, Pop?
CHIEF
I think so, but you stay back. I don’t know what it takes to kill these things.
JOHNNY
But, Pop, it’s Deputy Rawlings!
CHIEF climbs down from his desk and crosses to inspect the corpse.
CHIEF
Not anymore, it’s not. It looks to me like he’s been turned into a … a … mindless alien host.(Beat.) And he’s not the only one, I’m guessing.
CHIEF crosses to stand behind his podium.
chief (CONT’D)
Son, this doesn’t look good. I don’t want to tell you what I’m thinking.
JOHNNY
Is it bad, Pop?
CHIEF
You bet it’s bad. I don’t think it could be worse. Because if what I’m thinking is true, then we’ll need a miracle to save the town of
JOHNNY
Oh no!
JENNY
Gasp!
CHIEF
Where are all of your friends, Johnny?
JOHNNY sets his chair back in place, carefully avoiding looking his father in the eye.
JOHNNY
Well … I’m not sure, pop.
CHIEF
Come on, Johnny! We’re dealing with an emergency, here! It’s imperative that I know where everyone is!
(He pauses to let the force of his authority sink in a bit.)
Don’t make me get the Big Ass Paddle out … !
JOHNNY cringes at the mention of The Big Ass Paddle.
JENNY
Everybody went up to Lookout Point. Oops!
JENNY puts her hands over her mouth to try to keep the words in, but it’s too late. She looks sheepishly over to JOHNNY.
jenNY
Sorry Johnny.
JOHNNY
It’s okay, Jenny. I’m sorry, Pop. It’s true. Everybody is at Lookout Point. I didn’t want to squeal on ‘em.
CHIEF
Of course, Lookout Point! I should have known your young, hooligan friends would be up there fondling each other.
CHIEF crosses back ot his podium and point to his Procedure List and his Police Schedule on the bulletin board.
chiEF (CONT’D)
Normally, I’d be up there with the Reverend Small, keeping an eye on your teenage friends with The Big Searchlight, and the Good Binoculars. - But I think it’s time I gave someone else a turn. I’m sending you up there Son! I want you to take Jenny and find all of your friends, and keep them up there. All night, if need be. Do whatever you have to do, but keep everyone away from town. Do you hear me?
JENNY and JOHNNY slide together at C and embrace.
JOHNNY AND JENNY
Uh huh.
CHIEF steps down from the podium, holsters his revolver and crosses to the corpse.
CHIEF (CONT’D)
I’m trusting you to keep everyone safe, Johnny. Normally that would be Deputy Rawlings’ job, but since I just shot him dead …
(He reaches down and carefully removes RAWLINGS’s badge.)
I’ll have to deputize you, Son. Hold up your hand.
JOHNNY holds up his hand.
CHIEF (CONT’D)
Do you swear to uphold the law, and all of that other stuff, Johnny Cartwright?
JOHNNY
I do!
CHIEF
Fine. Now you’re Deputy Cartwright!
CHIEF hands JOHNNY the badge.
JENNY
Oh, Johnny! I’m so proud!
CHIEF
Now you two go on to Lookout Point.
CHIEF crosses to his desk and begins looking through his phone book.
chIEF (CONT’D)
I’ll be up there soon enough to check on you, but first I have to find the one man who might be able to make some sense out of all of this.
JOHNNY
Who’s that, Pop?
Having found the number he wants, CHIEF picks up the phone dramatically.
CHIEF
Professor Jack Langford!
JENNY
But Professor Langford’s a Lush. Everyone knows that.
CHIEF slams the phone back down even more dramatically, and crosses to Center Stage.
CHIEF
If you mean he’s fallen off the wagon, yes, he has. But he’s still the smartest man in the tri-county area. And lush or no lush, if Professor Langford can’t help us, no one can.
Lights Fade.
Interlude
Spotlight Up on CHIEF.
Exit JOHNNY and JENNY, UC. CHIEF remains onstage as Police Station set is struck, and the stage is set for Scene 3.
CHIEF crosses back to his desk, picks up the phone (receiver and all) and carries it with him to Center Stage.
CHIEF (CONT’D)
(With the receiver to his ear.)
Come on, stupid Operator, pick up.
(His tone instantly changes to that sickeningly sweet manner in which the young speak to the very, very old.)
Yes, hello Doris, it’s The Chief. I need … I’m fine, thank you. Listen, I need … no, he’s fine too. Yes, I just saw him. Listen, Doris, get me … Ah … yes, we’re doing everything we can, Doris … Yes, I know it’s the first time I’ve seen an attack of mindless aliens, too … Well, we all just have to do our part, and … well, that’s what I’m getting to, Doris … uh-huh … that’s right, my part is to arrest bad people … like the mindless aliens, right … Your part Doris? Well, I’m glad you finally asked. Your part is to connect me to Professor Langford … that’s right, over on Maple Street … well, I don’t know if he can help, I haven’t talked to him yet … well, he does have a bit of a problem, I know, but we all have our foibles, Doris … alright, you connect me to him … yes, I’ll hold the line … thank you, Doris.
(His tone changes again. He is all business now.)
Professor! Thank heavens you’re there! Meteorites are falling from the sky! … yes, I’ve heard that joke too, dammit. Sober up, Professor! This is an emergency!
Blackout.
Scene 3
Setting: Lookout Point
Time: Nine Thirty p.m.
Fade Up Popular Love Music. “Secret Love” by Doris Day, “Let Me Go Lover” by Patti Page, or “Mister Sandman” by Chordettes would be good fits.
Lookout point is a small clearing in the woods just North of Oceanview. There are a few teenaged couples sprawled on blankets, making out SL.
Lights up slow.
The REVEREND SMALL is heard offstage. As the teenagers hear him, they hasten to button buttons and zip zippers, etc. REVEREND SMALL.
SMALL
(Offstage.)
There better not be any naughty teenagers up here at Lookout Point tonight. Because I’ve got the Good Lord with me, and we’re gonna cast all the sexually curious sinners we find into the fiery pits of Hell!
Popular Love Music Fade Out Quickly.
Enter REVEREND SMALL, DSR, carrying a large, leather bound Bible, with many pages marked and dog-eared.
SMALL (CONT’D)
You young, beautiful children aren’t giving in to your sexual urges I hope?
TEEN GIRL
No, Reverend Small. We’re just having a prayer meeting.
SMALL
A prayer meeting? Well that sounds nice. And I suppose that it was the heady feeling of the Lord’s salvation that made you children look so … sweaty? Or maybe … it was not the Lord’s Grace, but the groping hands of these wicked, young stallions that had you young flowers of youth whipped into a frenzied state of ecstasy!
TEEN GIRLS
Gasp!
SMALL
Tell me, my young squadron of Satan’s of sinners, is the temporary satisfaction of your lustful desires worth AN ETERNITY OF PAIN AND SUFFERING IN THE FIERY PITS OF HELL?
TEEN BOY
But Reverend, we were just French kissing. My mother said that you only go to Hell for heavy petting.
SMALL
Jeremiah, your Mother, The Widow Johnson, is the whore of Babylon, and the whole town knows it. (Beat.) Not only will French kissing out of wedlock grant you a one-way ticket to Hell, but so will sucking on earlobes and dry-humping Mitzi Henshaw’s leg!
TEENS
Gasp!
SMALL
Turn to First Corinthians, Chapter Six, verse Nine, children.
The Teens all whip out their Bibles and turn to 1 Corinthians 6:9. SMALL strikes a heavenly pose C, and settles in for a good, long sermon.
SMALL
(Reading.)
“Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor lustful teenagers, nor male prostitutes, nor private investigators, nor homosexual offenders, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor ex-wives, nor slanderers, nor swindlers, nor mosquitoes, nor the cursed boy who keeps throwing my morning paper into the Reverend Mrs. Small’s petunias will inherit the kingdom of God … your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit … You are not your own; you were bought at a price by the Lord. A price far more dear than the price The Widow Johnson charges. Therefore honor God with your body.”
SMALL closes his bible with a righteous thump.
small (CONT’D)
Can I get an ‘amen’ children?
TEENS
Amen.
SMALL
I can’t hear you.
TEENS
Amen!
SMALL
One more time so that the Good Lord can hear you even if he’s stepped into the rest room.
TEENS
AMEN!
SMALL
Amen, children! Heed the words. Honor GOD … with your BODY! Resist the craving of the flesh! Do not lick the sumptuous pink flesh of your fellow Child of God. Do not allow Satan’s tongue to slide down your holy throats, young children. Keep the devil’s hands out of your underpants! Keep your zippers zipped for Jesus! Can I get a Hallelujah?
TEENS
HALLELUJAH!
TEEN GIRL
But Reverend Small, Professor Langford says the world’s going to be attacked by an alien menace, and we’re all going to die. I don’t want to die without ever having kissed a boy (beat)… or a girl.
TEENS look askance at TEEN GIRL.
TEEN GIRL (CONT’D)
I’ve never kissed a girl either. (Beat.) Really.
SMALL
Is that what he says? Is that what Professor Langford says? That we’re all going to die?
TEENS all nod. Enter JENNY and JOHNNY, DSR.
SMALL (CONT’D)
(Throughout the following speech, the REVEREND begins really warming up his tent revival engine.)
Well let me tell you Children. Let me tell you about Professor Jack Langford. Let me tell you about the Heathen Scientist, Professor Langford. Professor Langford is a drunkard!
TEENS
Gasp!
SMALL
An Atheist!
TEENS
Gasp!
SMALL
(A little more shrill.)
A Liberal Academic!
TEENS
Gasp!
SMALL
(He’s really warmed up now.)
And he Supports Social Spending Projects!
TEENS
Gasp!
SMALL
He has renounced the Lord many times over! He has supported labor unions! He doesn’t pay his taxes. He speaks with the voice of Satan himself! He … is … the Devil INCARNATE!
JOHNNY steps forward.
JOHNNY
That’s not true!
SMALL
Well, well. I knew the crowd of lustful young men looked smaller this evening. So, Johnny Cartwright, what do you have to say for yourself? Or did you come all the way up here to grope and fondle your way into the fiery pits of Hell, with sweet, young, Jenny Goodwin?
JENNY waves, sweetly.
JENNY
Hi Reverend Small!
JOHNNY
I’m not here to have my way with Jenny, Reverend Small. Not tonight anyway. And even if I was, that would be between Jenny and me, because we’re two consenting adults of the proper age proscribed by state legislation. Tonight, I’m here as an officer of the Law to help save the town from an alien menace.
SMALL
So you’ve been listening to that crackpot astronomer, too, have you? Well I mean to put an end to his litany of lies! I will not let that drunken fool debauch the youth of this town or any other. That’s the job of the clergy!
JOHNNY
Professor Langford may be drunk, Reverend, but he’s no fool. He’s a Rocket Scientist, and if he says the Town of Oceanview is being overrun by a host of mindless aliens, then it must be true. The Professor knows more about Science than anybody in Oceanview. It was his experiments with rocket engines that made traveling through space possible. And when Congress decided to send a space ship to the Nebulon Star System, they called Professor Langford first, before they called captain Christopher Parks. But the Professor said no. He said that man wasn’t meant to travel to other worlds. Professor Langford said that if we sent a man to the Nebulon Star System, it would be the end of all humanity. But they didn’t listen. And that’s why we’re under attack from an alien menace. It’s not the Professor’s fault. He tried to stop it! And he’s still trying to stop it! Sure he’s loaded with more rum than a Haitian Pirate Ship, but he’s a good man! And he’s in his Laboratory right now trying to find a way to save the town!
TEEN BOY
So it’s true? Oceanview really is being attacked by an alien menace?
JENNY
It’s true! I saw the mindless alien hosts myself, and one of them tried to eat my brains!
TEENS
Gasp!
JENNY
But Johnny saved me just in time.
TEENS
Ahh!
JOHNNY
My father said that we should all stay up here, away from town, until he and the Professor figure out how to make the bad things go away.
SMALL
Well, young Deputy Cartwright. I may not agree with the town’s secular authorities in this instance (Beat.) … or any other for that matter, but since the separation of church and state grants me the right to park anywhere I choose I’ll do what I usually do and save my stinging criticisms for the pulpit. If the Chief of Police says stay up here at Lookout Point, then we’ll stay up here at Lookout Point all night long, if we have to.
TEENS
Yea!
SMALL
And pray.
TEENS
Oh.
SMALL
Bow your heads, children.
JENNY, JOHNNY and TEENS bow their heads in prayer. REVEREND moves DC, Down and between the TEENS at SL and JENNY and JOHNNY at SR.
SMALL (CONT’D)
Oh Lord in Heaven, We pray to you, Oh Lord, that in your mercy, you will protect our town, and grant the Professor a few moments of sobriety, so that he can find a scientific solution to this terrible affliction from space.
Enter ROBBY BLANDFORD, DSR. He looks confused by the bounty of tasty brains before him, but finally zeroes in on REVEREND SMALL.
SMALL (CONT’D)
And we pray that you will grant our young the courage to resist the strange, unfamiliar longings they feel in their groins. Come down, Holy Spirit!
ROBBY makes a lunge for the REVEREND, but misses and falls flat on his face. Meanwhile, the TEENS and REVEREND SMALL are entering a state of Spiritual Ecstasy, and JENNY and JOHNNY are having a hard time following the prayer, being as they are distracted by each others’ nearness.
SMALL (CONT’D)
Give them the strength, Oh Lord, to resist the temptation to explore each other’s moist, private areas. Can you feel the Holy Spirit! Children?
TEEN GIRL
I feel it! I feel it!
The TEENS are now beginning to wriggle and shake, like snake dancers at a tent revival.
SMALL
Grant them the power to SAY NO to a long, passionate night of sexual abandon and consequence-free intercourse with numerous members of the opposite sex! Is the Holy Spirit inside you, children?
TEEN GIRL
Oh yes! Yes! Yes!
SMALL
Here we come, Oh Lord! Open up your Pearly Gates. Open ‘em up wide, Lord, because we’re coming inside! Can you feel us coming, Lord? We’re going all the way! Here we come, Lord! I feel your Holy Spirit all over me! Give me some more, Lord! Spread it all around! Who wants some? Who wants the Holy Spirit?
TEENS
Me! Over here! Give it to me, Jesus!
SMALL
Amen!
JENNY and JOHNNY look deep into each other’s eyes.
TEENS
Amen!
SMALL
Amen!
JENNY starts stroking JOHNNY’s hand.
TEENS
Amen!
JENNY
Johnny?
JOHNNY
Yes, Jenny?
JENNY
Do you remember where we parked the car? I think I need to lie down.
JOHNNY
Uh-huh. I think it’s over there …
JOHNNY looks around, then sees ROBBY making a successful lunge at SMALL.
johNNY (CONT’D)
Oh no! Reverend lookout!
Cue Dramatic Music.
JENNY
Oh no!
ROBBY BLANDFORD, the mindless alien host tackles REVEREND SMALL and begins turning him into a mindless alien host.
SMALL
Amen! AHHH!
TEENS
Amen! AHHH!
JENNY
That’s Robby Blandford!
JOHNNY
He must have followed us all the way from your house! I’ll teach him to mess with my girl!
JOHNNY tries to lunge at ROBBY, the mindless alien host, but JENNY crosses him, SL to stop him. They are now Center Stage.
JENNY
Johnny no!
Meanwhile, ROBBY, the mindless alien host, and REVEREND SMALL, the mindless alien host, rise and set their sights on the writhing TEENS. But they have a little bit of trouble getting up, so it may take a while.
JENNY (CONT’D)
If you touch him he’ll turn you into one of them! Look at Reverend Small!
JOHNNY
You’re right! I was so angry, I forgot all about that. I would have been turned into a mindless alien host too. Look! Now they’re going to turn all of our friends into mindless alien hosts!
ROBBY and SMALL, having finally risen, begin the long, slow advance towards the nearest TEEN.
JENNY
It’s okay. They were really more your friends than mine.
JOHNNY
Yeah, you’re right.
JENNY
But now the mindless alien hosts are taking over the whole town! Oh, Johnny, what are we going to do?
JOHNNY
We’ll have to go find my father. Hopefully he and Professor Langford have found a way to stop these things!
ROBBY makes a lunge at a TEEN, but predictably misses and falls on his face. The REVEREND, showing signs of higher mindless intelligence, successfully latches onto TEEN GIRL, and begins turning her into a mindless alien host.
TEEN GIRL
Scream!
Hearing the scream, the rest of the teens wake from their trance and realize the horror of their situation for the first time.
TEENS
Scream!
The surviving TEENS madly run away followed eventually by ROBBY, while the REVEREND is still slobbering over the brains of TEEN GIRL.
Exit TEENS & ROBBY SL.
Dramatic Music Fade Out.
JENNY
Oh, Johnny, do you think we’ll ever put an end to all of this? What if we can’t stop it? What if we wake up tomorrow and everyone we know is a mindless alien host? What if I turn into a mindless alien host? Will you still love me, Johnny?
JOHNNY
Uh, sure Jenny. But if you turn into a mindless alien host, then I guess I’ll have to turn into one too.
REVEREND SMALL and TEEN GIRL now begin the tortuous process of regaining their feet. TEEN GIRL is, of course, a mindless alien host now.
JENNY
You would do that, Johnny? For me?
JOHNNY
(The apparent epitome of sincerity. Does he mean it, or is he really that suave? Not even He knows for sure.)
I’d do anything for you, Jenny. Even turn myself into a mindless alien host. I love you, Jenny. I’m sorry I made eyes at another girl. Do you forgive me?
The REVEREND and TEEN, having finally gotten up, now make their sluggish way after the rest of the TEENS.
Exit REVEREND and TEEN, SL.
JENNY
Oh, Johnny! Of course I forgive you!
Cue Romantic Music.
JENNY and JOHNNY kiss.
Enter MRS. GOODWIN, DSR.
MRS. GOODWIN
Why Jennifer Ursula Goodwin! What on Earth are you doing out in this night air?
Romantic Music screeches to a halt.
JENNY
Mother! I thought you went to the Annual Quilt Raffle with everyone else!
MRS. GOODWIN
I was going to, but I had a terrible headache after dinner, and I told your father that I was staying home alone. I don’t think the Widow Johnson will ever forgive me, but after what she did at the VFW Hoe-Down there isn’t much she can say! But as for you, young lady! Don’t you know it’s after nine o’clock, and you have to be up early to get your hair done for the Easter Parade? Good evening Jonathan Cartwright. How’s your father?
JOHNNY
Good evening, Mrs. Goodwin. He’s just fine, thank you. Perhaps a little put out, since he had to shoot Deputy Rawlings dead.
Enter SL, TEEN BOY, screaming like a girl, as he is being chased by ROBBY. They cross and Exit SR.
MRS. GOODWIN
Well, isn’t that a shame. Now Jennifer, you march yourself straight home! Do you hear me? You tell Jonathan goodnight, and tell him that he can see you in the morning. Did you know, Jonathan, that my Jennifer is going to be the Queen of the Fancy Albacore Float tomorrow?
JENNY
Oh, Mother stop! You’re embarrassing me. Besides, I already told him twice.
JOHNNY
I also read about it in the School Newspaper. I can’t wait to see how pretty she looks in her Fancy Albacore Gown!
JENNY
(Gee, do you really mean it, Johnny?
JOHNNY
Uh huh!
MRS. GOODWIN
Isn’t that nice. Now hurry up and say your good-byes, Jennifer. It’s getting late.
JENNY
Oh, Mother! It’s not that late, and besides, did I tell you that Johnny asked me to forgive him for making eyes at another girl, and he told me he loved me! Isn’t he a dream?
Enter TEENS (all but TEEN BOY) as mindless alien hosts from SL. They are moving slowly and falling all over themselves. They seem to either not notice the three people at Center Stage, or are unable to make their way towards them.
MRS. GOODWIN
That’s nice, dear. But when I was a girl, a long time ago, when boys wanted to tell girls that they loved them, they had to do so in a respectable place, at a decent hour. Not all the way out here at Lookout Point with a crowd of rowdy mindless alien hosts!
Meanwhile, JOHNNY is busy eyeing the mindless alien hosts, assessing the danger. As they get closer and closer, he becomes more and more alert. He’ll make a fine policeman some day.
JENNY
Oh, Mother! They weren’t mindless alien hosts when we came up here. We were trying to save them.
MRS. GOODWIN
Hmph! I saw the way you were behaving when I came up here. It didn’t look like ’saving the town’ to me. The Reverend isn’t keeping a very good eye on you kids is he?
Enter REVEREND SMALL, SL. He would like to make his way towards Center Stage, but he keeps tripping over the TEENS.
MRS. GOODWIN (CONT’D)
Oh my! There he is now! Has he become a mindless alien host, too?
JENNY
Robby Blandford turned him into one.
MRS. GOODWIN
I’m not surprised! I told you that Robert Blandford was no good. Why on Earth you went to the dance with him instead of Jonathan, here, I’ll never understand! Is that Mitzi Henshaw? Whatever has she done to her hair!
JENNY
Yes, that’s her. But she and I aren’t speaking ’cause she told everyone at school that I padded my brassiere. But I guess the last laugh’s on her ’cause she’s a mindless alien host now.
Enter ROBBY and TEEN BOY, who is now a mindless alien host, SR. They join the throng of sprawling mindless alien hosts, all around center stage. Some of the HOSTS at this point have begun to stumble out into the audience. REVEREND SMALL is still stumbling over the TEENS.
MRS. GOODWIN
Well, it serves her right, gossiping. And the rest of them, too for being up here so late! Now come on home, Jennifer. Good night, Jonathan. Tell your father I said hello!
JOHNNY
We were just going to see my father, Mrs. Goodwin. See, he and Professor Langford are at the …
MRS> GOODWIN stops in her tracks, and turns, dropping JENNY’s hand. She is suddenly short of breath.
MRS. GOODWIN
Professor Langford?
JOHNNY
Uh yeah. He and my father are at the Professor’s laboratory trying to figure out a way to stop the mindless alien hosts. We were going to go and help. I’ll take Jenny straight home after we save the town from Certain Doom. I promise!
JENNY
Oh please, can I help Johnny save the town from Certain Doom, Mother?
MRS. GOODWIN
Well, if you’re going to see … Professor Langford, (Beat.) I suppose I can let you stay out a little bit after curfew. But I’d better go with you. There’s no telling what kind of trouble you two would get into running around Oceanview in the middle of the night.
JENNY
Oh thank you, Mother!
MRS. GOODWIN
But only because the town is in danger from an alien menace! If it were anything else, I’d be sending you straight home to bed young lady!
Against all odds, REVEREND SMALL has marshaled the TEENS and ROBBY into a semi-organized mob, all surrounding JENNY, JOHNNY and MRS. GOODWIN. JOHNNY takes note.
JOHNNY
I think we’d better hurry. Let’s go!
JOHNNY takes JENNY’S hand.
MRS. GOODWIN
Oh, you’re right, Jonathan. If we don’t get this mess all cleared up soon, and get home, Mr. Goodwin will be worried sick! He should be home from the Annual Quilt Raffle any minute now!
Exit MRS. GOODWIN, JOHNNY and JENNY, SR.
JOHNNY
(Offstage.)
I’m afraid we have some bad news about the Annual Quilt Raffle, Mrs. Goodwin.
The mindless alien hosts close in on Center Stage, but by the time they make it there, JENNY, JOHNNY AND MRS. GOODWIN have already left. It almost occurs to them to follow, but then the moment passes and they all fall to the ground in a heap.
Lights Fade.
Interlude
Professor’s Thinking Music Up. Frank Sinatra’s “Jeepers Creepers” is a perfect fit.
Spotlight Up at Up Center Stage.
PROFESSOR’s Chalkboard must be set at UC immediately.
Enter PROFESSOR.
PROFESSOR stands in front of a large chalkboard, with his back to the audience throughout. The PROFESSOR is a tall, handsome man in his mid-to-late thirties. He wears an oxford shirt, slightly un-tucked, with slacks and sensible shoes. He is forthright, and methodical in his speech, and mannerisms, and he is more than a little bit drunk. He picks up a piece of chalk and begins scribbling calculations on the chalkboard, as the Lookout Point set is struck and the stage is set for Scene Four around him. PROFESSOR takes a step back from his calculations and lights a cigarette.
PROFESSOR
Hmm … the meteorites’ radiant, coupled with the gravity of Earth, seems to have placed them into a direct collision course with the Town of Oceanview. But where did they come from?
PROFESSOR resumes scribbling at the board.
Lights up 1/3.
Enter CHIEF, MRS. GOODWIN, JENNY and JOHNNY, SL. They remain at Left, in a group, as if waiting for the professor to notice them.
PROFESSOR (CONT’D)
(As he rapidly scribbles new calculations.)
If I can estimate the meteorites’ Keplerian orbit, I might be able to … Aha! Actually no. That’s not it. But this is! Yes! Jack, you’ve still got it!
PROFESSOR truns triumphantly and notices his guests.
profESSOR (CONT’D)
Good, I’m glad you’re all here! By triangulating the meteorites’ velocity vector, I can now firmly establish their origin as the planet Nebulon 12! I have therefore determined conclusively that we are under attack by an alien menace! We should get everyone to safety, while there’s still time!
There is a long pause. All stare at the PROFESSOR.
PROFESSOR (CONT’D)
What?
Lights Fade Slowly.
Professor’s Thinking Music Fade Out.
Scene Four
Setting: Professor Langford’s Laboratory
Time: Ten p.m.
As the scene opens, PROFESSOR is in front of his chalkboard, UC, with his back to the audience, and a cigarette dangling from his mouth. POLICE CHIEF CARTWRIGHT is pacing anxiously back and forth in front of the door, UL. JENNY and JOHNNY are seated on the large examination table DR, watching the PROFESSOR in rapt wonderment and occasionally giggling to themselves about what, we can only imagine. MRS. GOODWIN is seated near POLICE CHIEF CARTWRIGHT, in a chair, DL of the door. The rest of the room is filled with small tables flanking the chalkboard and perhaps wherever they will fit. The tables should be covered with strange and unusual scientific equipment, and model rockets. There is a door, leading to the rest of the Lab,
Lights up slow.
PROFESSOR refers to his drawings and calculations on the board throught his speech.
PROFESSOR
So.(Beat.) This is the situation as I understand it: meteorites have been falling from the sky since around Nine p.m. tonight. When a person comes into contact with these meteorites, then that person rapidly undergoes a transformation into a mindless alien host. As in the Blandford case and all of the people at the Annual Quilt Raffle, including Mr. Goodwin and Deputy Rawlings. Afterward, little or no trace can be found of these meteorites. So by now, since the meteorites have ceased falling, there will be no source material to study. So the meteorites are of no help to us here.
PROFESSOR pauses as he contemplates the uselessness of the meteorites, then strikes a big, fat line through the word ‘Meteorites” on the chalk board.
proFESSOR (CONT’D)
But we do know that when a person who has undergone the transformation into a mindless alien host contacts another person, then the uninfected person becomes infected, thus transforming into a mindless alien host themselves. As in the case of the Reverend Small being transformed into a mindless alien host by coming into contact with Robby Blandford, and the subsequent transformation of everyone at Lookout Point. The method of transmission between the infected person and the uninfected person still remains a mystery, but it seems to occur directly … through … PHYSICAL … CONTACT.
MRS. GOODWIN, inexplicably moved by the words ‘Physical contact,” feels the need to unbutton a few buttons on her blouse.
MRS. GOODWIN
Oh dear!
ALL glance at her momentarily, then move on.
PROFESSOR
So we seem to be dealing with a pathogen of some sort. Something that could survive the trip through the void of space and thrives inside the body of a living human being. If we only had a sample, I could run more tests, and possibly determine what it is exactly that catalyzes the change of these people into mindless alien hosts. Then and only then would I be able to formulate an antidote to the ‘Mindless Alien Host Effect,’ as I’m calling it (Beat. He turns to CHIEF.) You say you shot Deputy Rawlings dead, after he had transformed into a mindless alien host, Chief Cartwright?
CHIEF
That’s right Professor. Wasn’t any reason to before. Heh heh.
PROFESSOR
So we could conceivably go back to the Police Station, retrieve the body of Deputy Rawlings and bring it back here for study.
CHIEF
Well, we could, but if what you say is true Professor, then I don’t want to be the one to pick him up. Heh heh.
PROFESSOR
No, of course not. And who could blame you. Whatever we’re dealing with survived the harsh vacuum of space. It would certainly survive inside a corpse. Lying dormant, waiting to infect someone else. I wouldn’t ask anyone to touch a mindless alien host, living or dead. I would do it myself. Using proper sterilization and controlled procedures, there would be minimal risk, but I can’t leave here until I find more answers. And I can’t find any more answers unless I leave here …
JENNY
I know you’ll figure something out, Professor. There’s nobody else who can do it!
PROFESSOR
I don’t even know if I can do it, Jenny. It’s useless! We’ll never find the answer! They’ve already won! I can’t save Oceanview from an alien menace. I’m just a washed up, alcoholic, miserable excuse for a scientist!
PROFESSOR throws down his cigarette in frustration.
Cue Dramatic Music Flare.
PROFESSOR immediately pulls out another and lights it. CHIEF rushes forward to confront him.
CHIEF
Take it easy Professor! You’ll scare the women!
The women look non-plussed, while the CHIEF and JOHNNY are visibly shaking.
PROFESSOR begins searching the laboratory for a bottle of booze.
PROFESSOR
No, I won’t take it easy! If they had listened to me in the first place we wouldn’t be in this mess! The fools! They didn’t even bother to translate that radio message before they sent Captain Parks out to Nebulon in his Ship.
(He has found a bottle and now searches for a glass.)
But I did! I translated that radio message from the Nebulon System, and I told them what it said! I tried to warn them, but they wouldn’t listen! The damned fools!
(Having failed to find a glass, he empties out a beaker and pours himself three fingers of booze, using the large examination table as a bar.)
That radio message was a warning! They were warning anyone who could receive their message not … to come … to the Nebulon Star System.
(He is attempting to drink his booze, but keeps distracting himself by continuing to talk.)
They said they would destroy any race that sent a ship to their world. And what do we do? What do we foolish humans do? We send a ship anyway! Hah hah hah! When we can’t even feed our own poor we spend billions of dollars to send a ship to secure our certain doom! It’s madness, I tell you! Madness!
The CHIEF pulls out his revolver and takes a step back. JOHNNY rushes into JENNY’S arms for comfort.
CHIEF
Now don’t start any crazy social talk Professor! (Beat.) Snap out of it! For God’s sake, snap out of it, Professor!
MRS. GOODWIN
Don’t you see, Jack?
(She approaches PROFESOR and takes the glass out of his hand.)
You’re the only one who could decode that message from Outer Space! You’re the smartest person in Oceanview. You can’t see that right now, but I know that you can do it, Jack. You’re the only one who can help us. We need you! If you can’t find a way to help the people of Oceanview, then we’re all doomed!
PROFESSOR instantly comes out of his “state” and regains clarity. CHIEF relaxes and begins cleaning his revolver. JENNY and JOHNNY continue holding each other during the next exchange. Perhaps they are whispering into each other’s ears. Perhaps they are softly necking. Who can tell?
PROFESSOR
You’re right. Thank you, Mrs. Goodwin.
PROFESSOR turns to move towards the chalkboard, stops, takes his glass back from MRS. GOODWIN and then proceeds.
MRS. GOODWIN
You used to call me Dolly …
Cue Romantic Music.
PROFESSOR
That was a long time ago. You’re married now, Mrs. Goodwin. And I’m married. To my work.
MRS. GOODWIN
Yes, it was a long time ago, but I still remember.
MRS> GOODWIN moves t join him. They are now standing facing each other at UC. She takes the glass back from him.
mrs. GOODWIN (CONT’D)
You called me Dolly and I called you Jack. And besides, if what you say is true, then there is no more Mr. Goodwin. He’s a … mindless … alien host!
MRS. GOODWIN turns away from PROFESSOR and tries to sob convincingly.
PROFESSOR places his hands on MRS. GOODWIN’s shoulders, turns her back to face him. Then takes his glass back with one hand while touching her cheek with the other.
PROFESSOR
There, there Dolly. I’ll find a way to stop this. I promise!
MRS. GOODWIN practically leaps into his arms, twining her arms around him. She reaches for th eglass, but he manages to keep it away.
MRS. GOODWIN
I know you will, Jack. If anyone can do it, you can.
Clearly aroused, PROFESSOR looks deeply into her eyes, then pushes her away.
PROFESSOR
There just isn’t enough time!
Romantic Music Off.
PROFESSOR takes a deep swallow from the glass.
PROFESSOR (CONT’D)
Ah! Smooth. (Beat.) If what Jenny and Johnny say is true, and I’ve no reason to doubt that it is, then the people you see in this room, (Beat, as he moves D.) are the only people in Oceanview who haven’t been transformed into mindless alien hosts!
Cue Dramatic Music Flare.
ALL
Gasp!
CHIEF
Jumpin’ Jupiter!
PROFESSOR
If I can’t find a way to stop this menace soon, I may not be able to stop it at all!
JOHNNY
What do you want us to do Professor?
PROFESSOR finishes his drink, sets the empty glass on the examination table and fishes in his pocket for a cigarette.
PROFESSOR
Well, if the corner store were still open, I’d have you run out for more whiskey. (Beat.) Other than that, I don’t know what to do, Johnny.
(He lights his cigarette, then turns back to the board.)
I’m afraid I still haven’t discovered the exact scientific explanation of why everyone is turning into mindless alien hosts. But I know one thing for sure. We won’t be safe, anywhere, until I do discover how to reverse the Mindless Alien Host Effect. Not even here. Those mindless alien hosts won’t stop until they’ve turned everyone in this town into a mindless alien host!
Cue Dramatic Music Flare.
A shotgun blast is heard outside.
BOB
(Offstage.)
You’re gonna pay, Perfesser! You’re gonna pay for what you done to me and my family!
Another shotgun blast is heard.
JENNY
What is it Professor?
MRS. GOODWIN
Is it those mindless alien hosts?
PROFESSOR
I don’t think so. Shouting accusations and firing weapons would be behaviorally atypical for a mindless alien host.
CHIEF
I know what that is! But it’s not a WHAT. It’s a WHO!
CHIEF crosses to the UL door, and throws it open.
Enter FARMER BOB with a gasoline can in one hand and a shotgun in the other. BOB moves DL, pouring gasoline on the floor. PROFESSOR and MRS. GOODWIN back away, SR and CHIEF strikes a manly pose UL, with his hand on his gun.
CHIEF (CONT’D)
Farmer Bob, you put that gasoline can away, right now! I’m warning you!
BOB
I won’t do it, Chief Cartwright! That Perfesser! He’s responsible for all this! And I’m gonna put a stop to it once and for all!
CHIEF
You won’t do any such thing. Not if I can help it! (Beat.) Johnny, take that gasoline can!
JOHNNY
Yes sir!
JOHNNY jumps down from the large examination table, and crosses L to confront FARMER BOB, but BOB aims his shotgun at JOHNNY stopping him at DC.
JOHNNY (CONT’D)
You don’t want to point that shotgun at me, Farmer Bob.
BOB
Now you get out of my way Johnny Cartwright! I know your Pa’s the Police Chief and all, but that don’t make you nothing but the Police Chief’s son!
JOHNNY
(Brandishing his Deputy’s badge)
This badge makes me a whole lot more than that! As a Deputy of the Oceanview Police I have the authority to take that shotgun away from you myself and lock you up in the town jail! But I don’t want to do that, and I don’t guess you want me to.
BOB
Why … if only you weren’t wearin’ that badge …
JOHNNY
Now give me the gasoline can, and we’ll all talk this over.
CHIEF
You do what my Deputy tells you, Farmer Bob. Or you’ll have to answer to me!
JENNY
Oh, Johnny, you’re so brave!
BOB
All right, I’ll give you the gosh danged gasoline can. But I’m still gonna kill that Perfesser!
As JOHNNY takes the gasoline can, BOB raises his gun, and aims at PROFESSOR JOHNNY moves to stand in the way. JENNY looks worried, MRS. GOODWIN takes a step or two to her right, to get out of the line of fire and the CHIEF draws his revolver, and points it at BOB.
BOB (CONT’D)
Get out of my way, Deputy! He brought them things out of the sky! I know he did! And one of ‘em hit my sweet wife Bessie square on the noggin. Then her eyes all went vacant, and her face lost it’s healthy, youthful pallor, and she attacked my only son. My only son! Then both of ‘em came right after me. They had murder in their eyes! Luckily I was cleanin’ my shotgun at the time, so I had it close to hand. I had to shoot them both to keep them from turnin’ me into one of what they was. I shot my sweet wife Bessie and my only son! My only son! Then in the confusion one of them must have knocked a lantern off’n the porch, and the whole dang house caught fire. I stood outside and watched my whole farm go up in flames. My whole farm! Thank the Good Lord, I saved my gasoline can! I grabbed it and ran out here to burn the Perfessers’s Laboratory to the ground! It’s all his fault for meddlin’ in things that ain’t no man’s business. Like sending rocket ships to the stars, and prolonging the act of sexual intercourse.
CHIEF
That’s terrible news about your wife and your son and your farm, Farmer Bob, but it wasn’t the Professor’s doing.
JENNY
It was an alien menace that killed your wife and son, not the Professor!
JOHNNY
That’s right, and the Professor’s trying to stop it!
PROFESSOR pushes JOHNNY to the side, and moves DC to approach BOB.
BOB
Then who do I get to shoot for killin’ my sweet wife Bessie, and my only son. My only son!
PROFESSOR
You can blame the suspicious, war loving people of Nebulon 12 for your misfortune, Farmer Bob.
BOB
Dang, stupid Nebulonians! Why? Why?
CHIEF holsters his revolver, crosses D, and escorts the anguished BOB over to the chair, SL.
PROFESSOR
We’re not sure why. Perhaps they love destruction and mayhem so much they can’t help inflicting it on innocent people. Or maybe, we provoked the attack for being stupid and sending a spaceship to their forbidden planet. But make no mistake it was the Nebulonians who sent those meteorites to the Planet Earth, loaded with their Secret Weapon of Doom. It was the Nebulonians who devised a pathogen of some sort, which is turning all of the people of Oceanview into mindless alien hosts. It was the Nebulonians who brought this war to the planet Earth, Farmer Bob.
Cue Patriotic Music.
PROFESSOR faces the audience, striking a ‘Patton’ like pose. JOHNNY moves DR, taking JENNY by the hand as she follows him. Chief stands UL and BOB, sitting in the SL chair, buries his head in his hands.
PROFESSOR (CONT’D)
I tried to stop it before it ever started. I tried to save the American people from this terrifying ordeal, but the Nebulonians wouldn’t leave well enough alone! They believe that they know what’s best for America! They believe that they can control the American people! They believe that they can just march onto American soil with their Secret Weapon of Doom, and turn hard working, God fearing, American citizens into mindless alien hosts! Thanks to the Nebulonians, you and me and the rest of us here are all that’s left of the people of Earth …
ALL
Gasp!
PROFESSOR
… in Oceanview.
ALL
Oh.
PROFESSOR
If we can’t find a way to stop these mindless alien hosts, then we’re all doomed. Every one of us. So we have to speak up, all of us as one voice.
CHIEF takes off his hat, and puts his hand over his heart. JENNY clings to JOHNNY, BOB stands up, brandishing his shotgun, and MRS. GOODWIN moves DC, and falls to her knees in front of PROFESSOR. An American flag unfurls from the rafters.
PROFESSOR (CONT’D)
We must tell the Nebulonians, in no uncertain terms, that we … will … not stand for their brand of tyranny! We will fight until the last one of us falls to protect our town and the American way of life! Now and forever more! As long as the grass grows, and concrete is inexpensive we will stand! God bless us in our struggle, and God bless the United States of America!
ALL
Yea!
BOB
Yeehaw!
Patriotic Music Fade Out.
PROFESSOR
(To the audience.)
Patriotism is always appropriate in times of emergency.
CHIEF sees something through the window, and a murmuring, as of many mindless alien hosts approaching is heard.
CHIEF
Professor, look!
PROFESSOR moves UL to join CHIEF at the window.
JENNY
What is it?
PROFESSOR
It’s the mindless alien hosts, and they’re headed this way! Hurry, everyone, find a place to hide. There isn’t much time!
Cue Dramatic Music.
MRS. GOODWIN rises and crosses R to hide in the doorway, UR. JENNY crawls under the large examination table, BOB tries to hide under the chair. JOHNNY moves L, in front of the chalkboard.
JOHNNY
But I thought you said we wouldn’t even be safe in here, Professor.
PROFESSOR
(As he fishes in his pocket for another cigarette.)
You have a good memory, Johnny. Too good.
CHIEF
We’ll just have to hold them off as best we can until the Professor can find a way to stop them, right Professor?
PROFESSOR
Right! Barricade the doors! I’ll get right to work.
PROESSOR strats to move towards his chalkboard, but he is distracted by MRS. GOODWIN.
JENNY
How are we going to hold them off?
BOB
I’ve got my shotgun, and I owe them sons of aliens a payback!
CHIEF
Just this once, I’ll give you leave to fire it off within city limits, Farmer Bob. All right! Johnny! Take the other end of this table. Farmer Bob, see if you can close up that window. Mrs. Goodwin take Jenny and …
Dramatic Music Off.
MRS. GOODWIN is not listening.
CHIEF (CONT’D)
Mrs. Goodwin!
MRS. GOODWIN
Oh! Yes, Chief Cartwright?
PROFESSOR wakes up for a moment and makes a calculation or two on the chalkboard.
CHIEF
Take Jenny and hide over there. We’ll try to keep ‘em out of here. Don’t you worry.
MRS. GOODWIN
Yes, of course, Chief Cartwright.
MRS. GOODWIN moves D, takes JENNY’s hand, leading her out from under the table, then both move back U and hide in the doorway, where MRS. GOODWIN can keep an eye on the PROFESSOR. BOB moves U to the window, and tries to figure out a way to barricade it. CHIEF and JOHNNY pick up the examination table, move it six inches L, and set it back down. The CHIEF looks at its new position and nods ‘okay.’ HE and JOHNNY then cross L to the door, and begin attempting to hold it closed.
PROFESSOR
I just had an idea! If we assume that the pathogen inhabiting the townspeople originated in an environment that is not dissimilar, but at the same time radically variant from that of earth …
BOB
I see ‘em!
CHIEF
Where?
CHIEF and JOHNNY have their backs to the door, holding it shut. PROFESSOR is too engrossed in his calculations to join them. MRS. GOODWIN looks lovingly at the PROFESSOR, and JENNY is staring at her mother with mild alarm.
BOB
Out by the schoolhouse. They’re headin’ this way!
CHIEF
How many are there?
BOB
I’d say there’s at least two dozen, and there’s one way out in front. Looks like their leader. Hey, It’s the Reverend Small!
(He waves enthusiastically.)
Hi Reverend Small!
PROFESSOR
Farmer Bob! According to my calculations, if you eliminate the influence of the prime social example, it may create a social misdirection variance in their cohesive hierarchy, causing territorial development ambiguity and leading to a dispersal of task-driven unit behavior!
BOB
Huh?
PROFESSOR
If you shoot the head guy they’ll git.
BOB
Oh. Okay.
CHIEF
Good work, professor! That could buy us some time! Bob, can you hit him from here?
BOB
Just like hittin’ the broad side of a barn!
BOB takes aim and pulls the trigger of his shotgun, but nothing happens.
bob (CONT’D)
Dang! Empty!
CHIEF
Reload, quick!
MRS. GOODWIN
Lookout!
JENNY
(Screams.)
Cue Dramatic Music.
REVEREND SMALL, the mindless alien host, climbs in the open window. BOB ducks out of the way, and reloads his shotgun. REVEREND SMALL crosses R, heading straight for the PROFESSOR.
CHIEF
Johnny! Protect the women!
JENNY and MRS. GOODWIN move D and take cover under the large examination table. JOHNNY joins them. The PROFESSOR is absorbed in his calculations, and takes no notice of the proceedings. Meanwhile CHIEF pulls his revolver and takes aim, keeping his back to the door. But before he can squeeze off a shot, BOB has finished reloading and shoots REVEREND SMALL, the mindless alien host, in the back with his shotgun. REVEREND SMALL, the mindless alien host, falls to the floor, dead, Center Stage.
Dramatic Music Off.
JENNY and MRS. GOODWIN
(Scream.)
BOB
That got him!
CHIEF
Good work Farmer Bob!
PROFESSOR
Hold on a minute … according to a more rigorous analysis, the mindless alien hosts will not disperse after their leader is killed, no wait! (To himself.) It’s the SECOND derivative that’s velocity! (To the rest.) They will disperse, but not until they have avenged the death of their leader. (To BOB.) Farmer Bob, lookout!
Another mindless alien host reaches in the window, and drags BOB outside. A shotgun blast is heard, followed by the sound of BOB’S screams. CHIEF rushes to the window and begins firing his revolver at the mindless alien hosts. Again, the sound of the gunfire is out of sync with the action on stage. He fires twenty-two shots and finally steps away from the window. The murmuring of the mindless alien hosts dwindles and disappears.
CHIEF
(Solemnly.)
Farmer Bob is dead.
JENNY and MRS. GOODWIN
(Scream.)
CHIEF
He turned into a mindless alien host, and I had to shoot him along with another one. Mr. Goodwin, I think.
JENNY
Oh no!
MRS. GOODWIN crawls out from under large examination the table, and dusts herself off. She takes her post to the R of the chalkboard, gazing at the professor.
MRS. GOODWIN
Who?
JENNY, still under the large examination table with JOHNNY, erupts into tears. JOHNNY tries to console her.
CHIEF
I’m sorry, Jenny.
PROFESSOR
What happened to the rest of them, Chief Cartwright?
CHIEF
They’ve dispersed, just like you said, Professor. We’re safe.
PROFESSOR
For the moment. It’s only a matter of time before they select a new leader. These mindless alien hosts have a very advanced form of government. In many ways, far superior to our own outdated capitalist republic.
MRS. GOODWIN
You sound like you admire them.
PROFESSOR
In a way, I do. They want only one thing. And they won’t stop until they get it.
MRS. GOODWIN turns away from him, biting her hand, and crossing her legs.
CHIEF
You’re right, Professor. Ahem. We don’t have much time.
PROFESSOR
If only I could solve this riddle! Simple calculations can only tell us so much. Until I get an actual sample of this pathogen, my hands are bound!
Reflecting on ‘bound’, MRS. GOODWIN unbuttons another button or two on her blouse.
MRS. GOODWIN
Oh! Goodness!
JOHNNY
Professor! Can’t you analyze this mindless alien host that used to be Reverend Small?
PROFESSOR
My God, of course! Now we have a sample! Something to study first-hand! Johnny, your quick thinking might be the one thing that saves us from Certain Doom. (Beat.) Unless it’s my quick thinking of course.
JENNY grabs JOHNNY’s head, and drags him back under the large examination table.
PROFESSOR (CONT’D)
Dolores, prepare an Autopsy Tray, and fetch my rubber gloves!
MRS. GOODWIN
Are they still by the night stand?
PROFESSOR
Yes.
Exit MRS. GOODWIN, through the UR door.
PROFESSOR (CONT’D)
Jenny and Johnny, you two quit playing doctor and secure that window!
JOHNNY
Okay.
JENNY and JOHNNY climb out from under the large examination table, buttoning buttons as they go, and cross L, where they begin stacking furniture in front of the UL window. MRS. GOODWIN returns with an instrument-laden tray, two pairs of rubber gloves and two gas masks. She begins laying out the tools on the large examination table. It is as if she and the PROFESSOR have done this sort of thing together before. PROFESSOR grabs a smock from a hook on the wall and puts it on. The CHIEF is reloading his revolver.
PROFESSOR
Chief, I’ll need your help getting the cadaver onto the table.
PROFESSOR takes a pair of the rubber gloves from MRS. GOODWIN, taking a moment to caress her hand and smile knowingly as he does so. He puts his gloves on, and tosses the other pair to the CHIEF.
CHIEF
Okay. Are you sure it’s safe to touch the thing?
PROFESSOR
I’m taking every precaution. The proper scientific method when dealing with an infectious alien pathogen, as proscribed in volume twenty-three, chapter nine of “The A to Z of Dealing with Infectious Alien Pathogens,” is to be methodical, scientific and proper. These rubber gloves will protect us from contracting the pathogen from the cadaver.
PROFESSOR takes the two gas masks from MRS. GOODWIN, hangs one around his neck and hands the other mask to CHIEF.
CHIEF puts on his gas mask.
CHIEF
And these gas masks prevent us from inhaling a possible airborne pathogen?
PROFESSOR puts on his mask.
PROFESSOR
No, they’re just for dramatic effect.
CHIEF
Right.
PROFESSOR and CHIEF try to hoist the body of REVEREND SMALL, but have a bit of trouble. They both pull of their gas masks.
PROFESSOR
His mass seems to be accelerated.
CHIEF
Try lifting with your legs.
They try again, lifting with their legs, and manage to slowly move the corpse, and heave it roughly onto the table.
PROFESSOR
Thank you, Chief.
CHIEF
Any time, Professor.
CHIEF pulls off his gloves, and moves R and leans against the wall to watch. JENNY and JOHNNY have finished securing the door, and are also watching the PROFESSOR with great interest. PROFESSOR moves around behind the table, UC, and holds his hands up, striking a surgeon’s pose. MRS. GOODWIN stands ready, behind the table at his R to assist.
PROFESSOR
Sponge, Dolly.
she takes a wet sponge from the tray and mops his brow.
MRS. GOODWIN
Sponge, Jack.
PROFESSOR
Stethoscope, Dolly.
She grabs a Stethoscope from the Autopsy Tray, and hands it over.
MRS. GOODWIN
Stethoscope, Jack.
PROFESSOR
(He puts the Stethoscope on.)
Cigarette, Dolly.
She places a cigarette in his mouth and lights it.
MRS. GOODWIN
Cigarette, Jack.
PROFESSOR
(With the cigarette dangling from his mouth)
Jenny?
JENNY crosses quickly R, to stand at the PROFESSOR’s L, and takes the cigarette from his mouth.
PROFESSOR (CONT’D)
Back.
JENNY puts it back in his mouth and he takes a drag, and nods. She removes it again. The PROFESSOR puts the stethoscope to his ears, places it on the REVEREND’s knee, and then removes it.
PROFESSOR (CONT’D)
Hmmm …
PROFESSOR takes off his stethoscope, gloves and mask, throws them to the floor. He crosses L, moving between the table and the door, and lights another cigarette.
proFESSOR (CONT’D)
I’ve performed a full autopsy on the late Reverend Small, and I still have no idea what is turning the people of this town into mindless alien hosts.
JENNY
You mean you didn’t find anything?
JENNY takes a tentative drag from the cigarette.
PROFESSOR
That’s correct, Jenny. I found nothing. Nothing at all. There is absolutely not one single thing unusual inside that man’s body. Hmm … wait a minute …
PROFESSOR throws down his cigarette, crosses quickly R, in front of the table, and holds his hands over the cadaver.
MRS. GOODWIN
Jack, no!
CHIEF draws his revolver and points it at PROFESSOR.
CHIEF
Professor!
PROFESSOR throws himself onto the former REVEREND SMALL, the mindless alien host. He remains there for several seconds, while the others look on, stunned. Nothing happens.
PROFESSOR
Just as I suspected!
PROFESSOR rises and moves to the chalkboard.
MRS. GOODWIN
What is it, Jack? Did the pathogen die along with the Reverend Small?
PROFESSOR
No, Dolly, it didn’t. My analysis showed that there was nothing inside of the Reverend’s body that didn’t belong there. Don’t you see? There is no pathogen, and there never has been!
JOHNNY
But you said there was!
PROFESSOR
(Fishing in his pocket for a cigarette.)
Yes, but I was wrong, Johnny. Thank you again.
JOHNNY looks stunned. He mouths the word ‘wrong’ and shakes his head.
PROFESSOR (CONT’D)
(He lights his cigarette.)
What I now realize that we’re dealing with is much more insidious. A form of mind control. A telepathic pathogen. A Tele-pathogen, if you will.
PROFESSOR begins making new calculations and correcting the old.
proFESSOR (CONT’D)
The meteorites brainwashed the people with which they came into contact into believing that they were mindless alien hosts. And then those people who had been brainwashed, brainwashed everyone THEY came into contact with. It’s simple telepathy!
PROFESSOR moves downstage, away form the chalkboard.
proFESSOR (CONT’D)
But they have to be touching to use it. And when a mindless alien host is killed, then it only makes sense that he can no longer brainwash others.
CHIEF
Cripes! Do you mean that there’s nothing wrong with the people of Oceanview?
Meanwhile JENNY, a little high from her first cigarette, crosses L to the chalkboard and begins making calculations. JOHNNY starts combing his hair.
PROFESSOR
Maybe nothing we can see, or smell. But THEY believe that there’s something wrong with them. It’s so real in their minds, that they cannot help acting like mindless alien hosts. It would be like if you were blind, Chief Cartwright, and I told you that you’re shirt was yellow. You would have to believe me!
CHIEF
But I don’t own a yellow shirt.
PROFESSOR
Exactly!
JENNY
Professor! Look at this! Do you think there’s some way we can convince everyone that they really aren’t mindless alien hosts?
PROFESSOR
Hmm.
(He looks over her calculations.)
You mean Re-Brainwash them?
JENNY
(Beaming.) Uh huh.
PROFESSOR
No.
PROFESSOR erases her calculations and moves away.
JENNY remains at the chalkboard, looking shamed. MRS. GOODWIN takes the chalk form her and moves R to the doorway. JOHNNY crosses R, and puts his arm around JENNY in consolation. They cross to the window.
PROFESSOR (CONT’D)
But we can Un-Brainwash them. If we tell them something or show them something so significant, so unique to their own lives as citizens of the planet Earth, then they might possibly forget their alien brainwashing and return to normal.
A low murmuring is suddenly heard outside growing louder and louder.
JENNY
What’s that noise?
JOHNNY looks out the window.
JOHNNY
Professor, you better take a look at this.
PROFESSOR joins JOHNNY and JENNY at the window and looks out.
Cue Dramatic Music.
PROFESSOR
Great Scott! They’ve returned, and it looks like the whole town!
JOHNNY
And they’re all headed this way!
PROFESSOR
We don’t have much time.
Professor takes a last drag from his cigarette, then throws the lit cigarette DL into the puddle of gasoline.
CHIEF
Professor! The gasoline!
At that moment an explosion is heard, as the gasoline poured around the building by FARMER BOB ignites. All characters fall to the floor from the force of the blast. The Laboratory catches fire as the mindless alien hosts get louder.
PROFESSOR
Damn! I hate premature conflagration.
CHIEF
Maybe the fire will stop the mindless alien hosts!
The mindless alien hosts are now very loud. They begin trying to bust down the front door. JOHNNY tries to hold the door closed. CHIEF crosses L to help. PROFESSOR moves quickly to his Blackboard to make some more calculations. MRS. GOODWIN joins him, patting his forehead. JENNY rushes about trying to daintily stamp out small fires.
JOHNNY
The fire hasn’t stopped the mindless alien hosts!
PROFESSOR
Nor will it, Johnny. According to these calculations, the mindless alien hosts are immune to fire.
MRS. GOODWIN
Jack, what are we going to do? The whole Laboratory is on fire!
PROFESSOR
Well, we can’t stay here. We’ll have to escape out the back!
JENNY
We have to go outside?
PROFESSOR
There’s no alternative. We might be able to hold off the mindless alien hosts, but that fire is spreading too fast. These walls are full of asbestos, (Beat.) but that will only keep us safe for a few more minutes. Come one everyone, we’ll go out through the bedroom window.
MRS. GOODWIN, PROFESSOR, JENNY and JOHNNY start toward the UR doorway in that order. The CHIEF stays at the door.
CHIEF
Go on! I’ll stay here and cover you!
MRS. GOODWIN and the PROFESSOR are at the doorway. JENNY is right behind them. JOHNNY stops C Stage.
JOHNNY
Pop, no!
JENNY
You have to come with us, Chief Cartwright! If you stay here, they’ll eat your brains and turn you into a mindless alien host.
CHIEF
Don’t worry, Jenny. I can handle myself.
Dramatic Music Fade Out.
JENNY
But your eyes will go all vacant, and you’ll end up stumbling around and bumping into things and going Uhhh … Uhhh.
CHIEF
Never mind that. You all just get out of here!
JENNY
But you’ll be all alone. Trapped in your mindless body, unable to speak or feel or love.
CHIEF
Jenny, shut up, for the love … !
JOHNNY
I won’t leave you, Pop. I’m staying with you!
CHIEF
No, you have to protect the women. You’re young, Johnny. And virile. Me, I’m all washed up. I’m finished. Go plant your seed, and be happy. That’s an order, Deputy Cartwright.
PROFESSOR
He’s right, Johnny. We have to leave now!
CHIEF
Make me proud, Son.
JOHNNY
Yes sir, Pop!
Music Swells.
JOHNNY salutes his father. The two share a long respectful look. The mindless alien hosts politely wait to break down the door. All activity on stage slows dramatically.
Dramatic Music Off.
JOHNNY finishes his salute and turns.
Exit Mrs. GODWIN, PROFESSOR, JENNY and JOHNNY.
Suddenly the door crashes in and mindless alien hosts rush inside.
Enter MINDLESS ALIEN HOSTS.
CHIEF begins firing his revolver at them, and he doesn’t stop until he is finally tackled by a MINDLESS ALIEN HOST. The MINDLESS ALIEN HOSTS converge on the CHIEF in a big pile at Center Stage, groaning and eating his brains.
Blackout.
Interlude
CHIEF and MINDLESS ALIEN HOSTS remain on stage as the Laboratory set is struck, and the stage is set for Scene Five.
Cue Chief’s Dance Music. Perez Prado’s “Hernando’s Hideaway” is a perfect fit.
Up Spotlight at center Stage.
The CHIEF is lying on the floor, surrounded by a semi-circle of squatting MINDLESS ALIEN HOSTS. He groans and grunts as he slowly rises. The MINDLES ALIEN HOSTS look on expectantly. CHIEF slowly rises to his feet, and MINDLESS ALIEN HOSTS rise with him, forming a semi-circle, with CHIEF in the middle. Chief tests the functioning of first one arm, then the other, finding them a little stiff. He then tests the legs, finding them stiff also. He then strikes a ‘Tango’ pose, whereupon TEEN GIRL (as a MINDLESS ALIEN HOST) stumbles forward and places a rose in his teeth. The two then dance the Tango in the spotlight.
Lights up 1/3.
The rest of the MINDLESS ALIEN HOSTS pair up, and dance as well, eventually dancing off, SR.
Exit MINDLESS ALIEN HOSTS.
Lights fade out.
CHIEF dips TEEN GIRL, then they Tango Off.
Exit CHIEF and TEEN GIRL.
Spotlight Out Quickly.
Chief’s Dance Music Fade Out.
Scene Five
Setting: Main Street
Time: Minutes later
Lights up.
PROFESSOR, JOHNNY , JENNY, and MRS. GOODWIN enter, in that order, running. They stop at Center Stage to catch their breath. All are very agitated. Main Street is mostly bare, with a street sign UL that reads “Main Street.”
PROFESSOR
I think we lost them for now, but we must hurry.
MRS. GOODWIN
Where are we going, Jack?
PROFESSOR
The
MRS. GOODWIN
I don’t think I can make it. I twisted my foot.
JENNY
It’s only a little bit further, Mother. Here, I’ll help you.
PROFESSOR pushes his way back through the line to move to MRS. GOODWIN’s R, and puts his arm around her.
PROFESSOR
No, let me.
The low murmuring noise, significant of an imminent attack of mindless alien hosts, is heard growing louder and louder.
JOHNNY
Professor, do you hear that?
PROFESSOR
Yes, Johnny. They’re closer than I thought. Run!
JOHNNY takes JENNY’S hand and JENNY takes MRS. GOODWIN’S hand and MRS. GOODWIN takes PROFESSOR’S hand and they all head SL, but are stopped by the entrance of a small group of MINDLESS ALIEN HOSTS.
Enter MINDLESS ALIEN HOSTS, SL.
JENNY
Johnny, look out!
JOHNNY
Professor, they’ve cut us off! We’ll have to go back!
PROFESSOR
Come on!
Now all four head SR, but again are stopped by the entrance of another small group of MINDLESS ALIEN HOSTS.
Enter MINDLESS ALIEN HOSTS, SR.
JOHNNY
We’re surrounded!
JENNY
What are we going to do?
PROFESSOR
Find any weapon you can! Sticks or stones or whatever you can lay your hands on!
JENNY and JOHNNY begin searching for sticks or stones or anything that they can use as a weapon. JOHNNY finds a dead branch with dry leaves attached to it.
JOHNNY
How about this branch with dead leaves on it?
PROFESSOR
Try waving it around! The rustling of the leaves might confuse them!
JOHNNY swings the branch back and forth, and to everyone’s relief, the MINDLESS ALIEN HOSTS stop approaching. They begin to back off, as if confused.
MRS. GOODWIN
It’s working!
PROFESSOR
Good work, Johnny!
JOHNNY
I can’t keep this up forever!
JENNY
You have to think of a way to stop them, Professor.
PROFESSOR
Hmm … maybe if we take turns …
Enter CHIEF and TEEN GIRL, SL. CHIEF stands at SL, looking at JOHNNY and gesturing for him to come over.
JENNY
Johnny, look! It’s Chief Cartwright!
JOHNNY
They turned him into a Mindless Alien Host! I’ve got to help him! Pop!
JOHNNY throws the branch aside, and tries to run to CHIEF, but JENNY holds him back. The branch lands close to the MINDLESS ALIEN HOSTS.
JENNY
Johnny no!
PROFESSOR
Johnny, think! That’s exactly what they want you to do! He’s not your father anymore; he’s the leader of the Mindless Alien Hosts!
JOHNNY
Geez, you’re right, Professor. My father wouldn’t want to turn me into a mindless alien host! (To CHIEF.) I don’t have to do what you say! You’re not my father!
MRS. GOODWIN
Look, they’re taking the branch!
The MINDLESS ALIEN HOSTS move the branch aside with their feet, as if afraid to touch it. With the branch out of the way, MINDLESS ALIEN HOSTS begin creeping forward again, surrounding the cast at Center Stage.
JENNY
Now they’re coming closer! What are we going to do?
PROFESSOR
We’ll just have to take our medicine. We did our best, but it looks like they’ve beaten us. I’m sorry, everyone. If it weren’t for Demon Alcohol, I might have been able to find the answers in time.
MRS. GOODWIN
Oh, Jack, you can’t blame yourself. If I hadn’t left you all those years ago maybe it would have turned out differently. I’m sorry I didn’t wait for you, but I wanted a family.
PROFESSOR
You did what you had to do Dolores. I don’t blame you for leaving. Rocket Science was the hottest thing going, and I was the hottest Rocket Scientist in town. There was no place in my life for attachments back then. I’m the one who’s sorry.
JENNY
Oh, Johnny! Is this really the end?
JOHNNY
I think so, Jenny.
MRS. GOODWIN
I love you, Jack! I always have.
PROFESSOR
I love you too, Dolores. If only we had time for a second chance …
JENNY
Now you’ll never get to see me in my Queen of the Fancy Albacore Dress!
JOHNNY
I wasn’t going to tell you this, Jenny. But I saw you through your bedroom window when you were trying it on. You looked beautiful.
PROFESSOR
I might have asked you to marry me.
MRS. GOODWIN
And I might have said yes.
JENNY
Oh Johnny! I love you! Would you have asked me to marry you after we graduated?
The sound of thunder is heard. For some reason, this makes the MINDLESS ALIEN HOSTS NERVOUS. They stop advancing and look up at the sky.
JOHNNY
Professor! Something’s happening! It looks like the sound of thunder is confusing them!
PROFESSOR
Yes, I see it.
PROFESSOR pulls out his slide rule, and begins making calculations.
proFESSOR (CONT’D)
Hold on everyone! I believe our good-byes may have been premature!
MRS. GOODWIN
What’s happening, Jack?
JENNY
You didn’t answer my question, Johnny. Johnny?
Thunder rolls again.
PROFESSOR
According to these calculations, the approaching thunderstorm may be just the thing we need to Un-Brainwash the people of Oceanview and return them to normal. If only the storm breaks in time.
PROFESSOR raises his fists to the sky.)
proFESSOR (CONT’D)
Rain, damn you! Rain!
More thunder rolls, and lightning flashes as rain begins to fall. The MINDLESS ALIEN HOSTS react negatively to the raindrops falling on their heads. They begin to twitter and jerk, and fall to the ground screaming.
MRS. GOODWIN
It’s working, it’s working! Jack you did it!
PROFESSOR
Yes! Rain! Of course! There’s no water on Nebulon 12! It’s a fiery, gaseous, nightmare world! That’s why the mindless alien hosts are immune to fire, but not to rain! The one thing in the entire universe that is unique to the Planet Earth. Good old, life-giving water from the sky!
JOHNNY
But the rain is killing them, Professor! You said that everyone would return to normal!
PROFESSOR
(Looking up into the sky and holding his hand out.)
Yes. Very observant of you, Johnny. Look! I think the rain is stopping!
The mindless alien hosts are all on the ground now, and showing few signs of life, except for CHIEF, who stubbornly remains standing. Finally he gives a last jerk, and falls to the ground, dead. The rain passes, and the dawn breaks in the East.
JENNY
Johnny! Would you have or wouldn’t you have?
JOHNNY
Have what?
JENNY
Asked me to marry you?
MRS. GOODWIN
Oh, Jack! I knew you would save us all!
PROFESSOR
Would you still say yes Dolores?
MRS. GOODWIN
Yes, Jack. Yes. Yes! Yes!
PROFESSOR and MRS. GOODWIN kiss.
JENNY
Johnny Cartwright! Are you going to marry me or not?
JOHNNY
Maybe. I don’t know. Everything’s different now with everyone in the whole town dead and stuff.
JOHNNY exits, SL followed by an exasperated JENNY.
Lights Fade Slowly, leaving a sole Spot Up at Center Stage, on PROFESSOR and MRS. GOODWIN.
Epilogue
Cue Theme Music.
PROFESSOR and MRS. GOODWIN continue their kiss.
NARRATOR
(VO)
And so the town of Oceanview was saved from Certain Doom by the courageous acts of its citizens, and the unflinching scientific mind of Professor Jack Langford. As the people of Earth celebrate their triumphant victory over the mysterious Nebulonian Secret Weapon of Doom, they cannot help but look to the sky, and wonder what tribulations fate will hand them next.
PROFESSOR and MRS. GOODWIN look to the sky and wonder what tribulations fate will hand them next.
NARRATOR (CONT’D)
There is no doubt that Humanity will conquer the stars with the same fervent righteousness with which they conquered the planet Earth, but we must ask ourselves … at … what … cost?”
Fade Out.
The End.