Eagle Semen: The Story of TechTV employee Number One
By: Russ Pitts
This is the story of my two years as a writer and producer for The Screen Savers on TechTV. And, perhaps, an explanation of why I sent an email to the entire company telling them I didn’t care if they drowned in eagle semen.
Part One: The Perfect Noun
It took me three days to come up with the perfect noun.
I probably could have gone with any number of things, but this was to be my magnum opus, my final word on top of the hundreds of thousands of words that had so far failed to prove my point. I’d written thousands of words per day at TechTV, for over 700 days and on that day, that word would be my very last. I wanted it to be extra special.
I’d given my notice about a month prior. I was planning to move East, go back to working in theater and maybe regain some of my sanity. The past two years had been a long succession of hard lessons about myself, life and the mindless cruelty of the universe. I’d learned that I could go almost four days without sleep and still write decent dialogue. I’d learned that too much coffee poured on top of too much stress would send me to the hospital. I’d learned that people don’t communicate very well, not really. Not with actual, uncensored thoughts. They tell each other what each thinks the other wants to hear, and, as a result, communicate nothing. I’d also learned that communicating an uncensored thought into such an environment, therefore, can be revolutionary.
On that day, my last day, I was preparing to do just that. I’d been spending every day for the past two weeks writing down exactly what I thought of my soon-to-be former employers, my soon-to-be former colleagues and my soon-to-be former career. I was writing down my exact, uncensored thoughts about the time we’d shared, the frustrations we’d endured and the work we’d performed together, which I thought at the time had suffered due to constant, unrelenting mediocrity at levels beyond our control.
This wasn’t just a rant I was constructing, it was a manifesto. After I had written and delivered it, I discovered almost half its intended recipients became concerned for their safety, worried I’d be returning with a gun. Many of my colleagues wouldn’t speak to me for years after the message was sent, and a great many organizations silently marked me down in their little, black books titled “Do Not Hire.” Some of them still have me there.
Strangely, an equal number of people thought what I wrote was the greatest thing they’d ever read. There were countless souls at TechTV who shared my frustrations and, like me, had yet to find the voice to communicate them. To them, I was a hero, the rebel vigilante who, with his parting shot, struck deep into the belly of the beast, the company we had all poured so much of our lives into and which had, in the end, betrayed us.
That’s the power of a word. The right word, at the right time can galvanize a body of people, cause some to recoil in disgust, and others to rise up in defiance. Words can tear apart, but they can also heal and the best of them can do both simultaneously. Those were the kind of words I was looking for. I’d spent days weighing one noun against the other, and eventually I made my choice.
The noun, I decided, would be “eagle semen.” Yes. “I couldn’t care less if the entire building spontaneously filled with eagle semen.” Perfect.
I pressed “send” put on my cowboy hat and walked over to the studio to watch the last episode I’d ever see of the show I’d helped produce for two years.
Next Page
I believe this has been the most compelling reading I’ve had in as many years. I found myself wondering whether I should stop reading to eat breakfast, then turning to the next page and forgetting my hunger. In many ways the Eagle Semen story has offered insight to many things about myself and what was once my favorite television station. Potential is a great and terrible thing, something that should not be wasted and more often than not is completely mucked up by lack of judgement. Russ, if you read this please know that you have provided a wealth of knowledge. I thank you.
Glad you found some meaning there. I certainly learned a lot about myself in the writing of it.
Very enlightening read, It sounds like you’ve learned a lot from the whole experience. Thanks for the story, I found my way here because I’ve been unhappy with very recent choices of the show. I was one of the people you mentioned might exist that enjoyed the changes to the show. I used to watch back when it was ZDTV and I always liked the idea of the The Screen Savers, and knowing it was there if I needed it. But if they were not discussing a problem I identified with then I became uninterested very quickly. Also if I had a computer problem, I’d usually go to the internet first rather than wait for a show I might get on, so it did not seem feasible to me. When they took calls less and talked about other interesting things I enjoyed the show much more and watched more often. I understand completely how their changes felt like they were corrupting your baby, but hopefully if might help to know that some people really did enjoy the changes.
Very enlightening read, It sounds like you’ve learned a lot from the whole experience. Thanks for the story, I found my way here because I’ve been unhappy with very recent choices of the show. I was one of the people you mentioned might exist that enjoyed the changes to the show. I used to watch back when it was ZDTV and I always liked the idea of the The Screen Savers, and knowing it was there if I needed it. But if they were not discussing a problem I identified with then I became uninterested very quickly. Also if I had a computer problem, I’d usually go to the internet first rather than wait for a show I might get on, so it did not seem feasible to me. When they took calls less and talked about other interesting things I enjoyed the show much more and watched more often. I understand completely how their changes felt like they were corrupting your baby, but hopefully if might help to know that some people really did enjoy the changes. PS That was a great noun.
Good to hear your perspective. It has occurred to me many times that the show might actually have been made better – not just for a few people, but objectively better – through the changes that came about during the end of my time there. It was a chaotic time, though, and so much was changing in and around San Francisco, that it was hard (especially for me at that stage of my life) to see what was happening as anything other than the death of a dream. I feel differently now, but in relating my experience of the time, those memories and feelings persist.
Glad you enjoyed the show, however, and the story I wrote.
Thanks for the reply, yes I really did enjoy your story, it was well written and really engaged me. It really took me back to the day, like watching an old movie.
well something u will now but some u will no now what to do
i love u bae
The force of gravity is what makes objects fall to Earth. It keeps
the moon in orbit around the Earth. It keeps Earth and the other
planets in orbit around the sun. Gravity holds us on the Earth so we
don’t float away. Gravity holds our atmosphere, too. The moon’s
gravity pulls on Earth’s oceans and causes tides that rise and fall.
Because the Earth’s gravity has the same pull on every object, all
objects fall at the same speed (in a vacuum). On Earth, we have air.
Air resistance will cause some objects to fall more slowly than others
will. This works to our advantage when we want to fall more slowly,
for example, when a skydiver jumps out of an airplane. He uses a
parachute to create as much air resistance as possible to slow down
his fall. But if we drop two things in a vacuum chamber from which
we removed all the air, the two things will fall at the same speed.
This is true even if one of the objects is a feather and the other is a
bowling ball. Earth’s gravity accelerates objects when they fall.
Gravity constantly pulls on a falling object, and so the object
constantly speeds up until it reaches its terminal velocity. Terminal
velocity is the maximum speed an object can reach. After an object
reaches this maximum, the speed of the falling object remains at this
constant rate.
Gravity has the advantage of being able to work over long
distances. The sun is 93 million miles away from Earth, but its
gravity is strong enough to hold the Earth in its orbit. The gravity of
the solar system keeps everything in the system, including comets
and asterGravity is a force that we experience every
moment of every day. Gravity is the basic
force in the universe. Every body (planet,
moon, star, comet, asteroid, meteor, etc.) in the
solar system has a force that pulls things to
itself. That’s gravity- the force of attraction
between all objects in the universe.
On Earth, it keeps people and objects from
flying off into space. Gravity even keeps our
air from floating off into space! An object’s
weight depends on the strength of the force of
gravity. The pull of gravity is different on
different bodies in space so weight varies on different planets or
moons. For example, if you weigh 100 pounds on Earth, you would
only weigh about 16 pounds on the moon. The moon is a smaller
body than Earth and so its gravity is less.
Isaac Newton discovered in the 1600′s that the force of gravity
depends upon the amount of matter (mass) in bodies and the
distances between the bodies.
The sun pulls on the Earth. The Earth pulls back on the sun. The
sun is huge! If the sun were a hollow ball, you could fit one million
Earths inside of it. The sun’s gravity is very strong because of its
large mass. However, because the sun is 93 million miles away from
the Earth, the pull of gravity decreases in proportion to its distance.
The Earth’s gravity pulls back on the sun. The Earth stays in orbit
around the sun because the forces are balanced.
Newton’s Law of Universal Gravitation explains that an attractive
force is present between any two objects. The size of the force
depends on the masses of the two objects and the distance between
the two objects.
Newton was saying that every object in the universe exertoids, orbiting the center of the system, the sun
I can’t explain how much it means to me that you wrote this, but I will try.
Tech TV was a channel that I searched out when my family first got cable in 2000. Screen Savers and Call for Help were these amazing, unrealistic programs with people talking and more importantly caring about things that I was interested in.
I’m getting emotional now trying to think of the words to express it. Reading this has finally given me some closure on the death of that part of my childhood. It was like being forced to watch someone else play with your toy and break it. I have understood for a while why the programing turned to garbage on an intellectual level, but as a kid watching informed discussion turn to pandering at what felt at the time to be overnight was heartbreaking. I have remained bitter since then and every new adoption by the more casual public has been ash in my mouth as the people who make the tech possible continue to be treated like losers who should be ashamed.
I tried to think of why that show meant so much to me, so I could tell you, but you said it all.
Really, thank you.
I have only best wishes for you.
This was an interesting read to say the least. Your story was eye-opening and provides many of the emotions people feel at most jobs. I understand that people can take emails with a grain of salt, but others might feel fear, rage, or happiness. I do not think I would have done it the way you did, if I was in your situation, but I am one of those who talks to people and tell them what is on my mind. I feel that written words could be easier, but word coming from my mouth make me feel they are paying attention.
Unfortunately, I have made someone cry with this technique, but with good cause since they changed drastically towards me. I have a lot to learn in the corporate world since I just started working in it for a year now, but I think I know how to justify a job, for myself at least. As long as I am helping, or know I am helping at least one person, then I can get a sense of accomplishment and enjoy working there. However, if I am hurting someone when I’m supposed to be “helping,” I do not think I could stay there. I like family environments, teams, and understanding among everybody.
Also, I’m sure you have heard, but G4 is going downhill even more now.
Thanks for the good read, I enjoyed it. I’m a technical writer and had to hold back from some issues, but that’s what I get for majoring in this…even though I make mistakes too. Have a nice day. Good luck with Polygon.
First off I was a big fan of the show and I continue to consume the content created by the various on air talents. I suspect that what appealed to me most was the concept of seeing geek-smart people on the air. By allowing them to freely talk about anything it made the show feel so fresh and watchable.
Your journey reminds me of the writings of Robert M. Pirsig in that it’s a story of self discovery and a coming of age, and I quite enjoyed the read.
The only part I take exception to is on page 27 where you state, “…when someone had come onto our soil, for the first time in almost two hundred years, and started a war…” To which event nearly 200 years ago were you referring to? If it was the war of 1812, yes the British did arrive on American soil, but it was only well after America declared war on the British. What did you expect them to do? If, on the other hand, you were referring to the American Revolutionary war you should be reminded that the colonies were British colonies and that those colonies chose to no longer be under British rule – again what did you expect them to do, it was their empire (and land) from which you seceded.
I guess my only rant is that I hate when someone tries to re-write history. If I may, I would like to suggest this revision to your work, “The terrorist attacks were the first time since Pearl Harbor that American territory* was attacked without a previously declared statement of war.”
* – In 1941 Hawaii was an American territory having been illegally annexed by the US in 1898 – but that’s another story.
Techtv is what got me into IT in the first place. I would have my grandma tape the shows because I didnt get the channel! Good read.